Impactful News

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Federal Government to start using crowd sourcing to create legislature

By: Jarin Pintana An online, open source document that allows anyone to edit Federal policies has been created and will soon be accessible by anyone...

Woman lies about baby, avoids saying she is shopping for lizard

By: Jarin Pintana Iniya Deol was at sears this week when she encountered a strange dilemma. She was looking at the baby clothes, when the...

Orange juice recall on all pulp due to “That It Sucks”

By: Jarin Pintana This week Guelph has seen a major recall on all orange juice with pulp. It’s been pulled from shelves city-wide in just...

Tidepod Challenge Predicted to make a comeback in 2019

By: Jarin Pintana At the start of 2018, the Tide Pod challenge became popular on social media sites. This lead to a series of bans...

Vikings in residence? Behind Student Housing’s new evacuation drills

By: Edward Willems GUELPH – Following the first year of the University of Guelph’s slogan, “Improving Life”, Student Housing Services on campus are implementing a...

Man discovers perfect Tinder date just three possums in a raincoat

By: Jarin Pintana Late last month, Gregory Boffen thought he had found his perfect match. “It really was too good to be true,” he stated,...

Legalization of Cannabis leaves Canadian friendliness at an all new High

By: Jarin Pintana October 17th brought the legalization of weed in Canada, and with it an outstanding level of good old fashioned Canadian camaraderie. People...

Middle class family too good for vaccines

By: Jarin Pintana Canada has had solid economic growth for the past few years. With the economy on solid footing, the labour market is thriving,...

Doug Ford still wants to be Mayor of Toronto despite being...

By: Jack Fisher Even after the municipal election, wherein he neutered his old council and weakened his mortal rival, John Tory’s, hold on City Council....

Students set new target of 50% as exams approach

By: Jack Fisher “D’s get degrees” “most of the time anyway. At least that’s the common thought at The University of Guelph as students prepare...

Local man chooses to watch next Netflix episode despite the time

By: Jack Fisher 4:00am – GUELPH – As the birds rise from their sleep and the newly fallen snow glistens in the first hints of...

Red Top Taxi’s new texts largely on guessing

By: Jack Fisher GUELPH - In the summer of 2018, Red Top Taxi implemented it’s ETA texts. In addition to texting passengers with the cab...

Are Craisins Sentient?

By: Jarin Pintana The simple answer is yes. Plant research has already shown that plants are sentient. They have varied responses to stimuli such as...

BREAKING NEWS: Nazis still bad

By: Jack Fisher After a recent rash of racial based romps in America, the world has reached out to the country with a critical reminder;...

Rash of deaths from legalization show just how bad weed is

By: Jack Fisher Before Canada legalized marijuana in October, many of the older folk in the country warned us that the drug was as deadly...

Is the person next to me pooping, or are they an...

By: Jack Fisher I was going to leave. I was. But then someone else came into the bathroom and I froze. Their shuffling feet, the way...

University overrun by squirrels

By: Jack Fisher SQUIRRELS! The mice of the trees. The furry friends of the most powerful Marvel superhero have overrun the University of Guelph campus. It started in...

Is pizza the ultimate super food?

By: Jack Fisher New research suggests that pizza is the ultimate super food. Considerations have been made for the fact that pizza can sometimes be rather...

Local student develops square pupils after binging The Office

By: Jack Fisher The first case of the affliction that every middle-class mother in 2002 warned their children about has finally surfaced. Alfonso Copecino (Cope-eh-seen-oh),...

The Ontarion voted ‘best make-shift door stop’ by first years

By: Oren Bowes If there is one thing that University of Guelph students and faculty care about, it’s the quality of their door stops. The Modern...

Millennials embrace new brunch option

By: Jarin Pintana Canada’s hottest brunch trend has taken people by storm. It’s been described as “the most brilliantly obvious idea since avocados on toast,...

University of Guelph considers replacing Gryphon with Cow

By: Jarin Pintana Recently there has been a lot of press surrounding a student petition to change the Gryphon logo, to a cow. Sources say...

CSA all candidates meeting has highest attendance ever

Candidates for the CSA 2018 General Election gathered in the University Center on Thursday for a contentious and poorly arranged all candidates forum about...

CASU in denial: Black-Metal-Build-A-Band winners turn into arsonists

By: Edward Willems GUELPH – Nearly a year has passed since the first, disastrous Build-A-Band competition, created by the College of Arts Student Union (CASU),...

Are penguins just people dressed up in tuxedos?

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH BUT ALSO ANTARCTICA: Studies have shown that the very fabric of reality as we understand it might be far from...

WHAT IS SEX?

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH - The question that has been on everyone's mind resurfaces. People around the world have been asking this. Nobody knows. An...

Spotlight: How many Olympic sports can you name?

Interviewer: Nolan Wadsworth   "Hockey, Figure skating, the one with the big puck and you have to throw it. That's a cool one." - Sam          "Smoking a...

Spotlight: How do you feel about Yellow M&Ms?

Interviewer: Nolan Wadsworth "Every time I eat a Yellow M&M I feel a sense of accomplishment, as my lobster claws make it pretty much impossible...

Study says “Eating hair is good for your health”

By: Alexander Boyle Are you disgusted by weird textures in your mouth? Whether it is so squishy and slimy that you feel like it’s about...

How to survive an actual modern-day drought

By: Jack Fisher Make sure there's water If there's no water, find some. What do you mean there’s no water? Better find some, dude ...

“Actually, it’s Gryphonkind” says U of G President

By: Jack Fisher UNIVERSITY OF GUELPH – last week, while giving an address on the state of the school, Brenda Whiteside – VP of Student...

CSA hosts free pizza party in PCH

This past Wednesday the CSA hosted a sweet pizza party in PCH. Students started showing up around 5:30pm and continued to trickle in until just...

Guelph Transit closing shop

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH – In a dramatic turn of events, Bob Tulap, regional director of Guelph Transit has announced that the controversial public service...

News from alt-reality Guelph: Planar gateway in campus tunnels

By: Wolan Nadsworth GUELPH – The Colonel who leads an army of gophers underneath the Guelph University campus have struck a proverbial gold mine underneath...

Campus Police capture serial bathroom graffiti “artist”

By: Corben Grant Campus Police on Monday announced the capture of one of the University of Guelph’s most wanted fugitives. 22 year old Anthony Vegas,...

Letter to the Editor: the buses run better on other side

From: Concerned Citizen Guelph Transit has recently landed itself in a bit of a pickle. Most recently, there were the bus signs that were in-line...

Guy gets haircut, no one notices

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH - Reports from the field indicated that Wesley Dickerson, third year commerce student and self-identified "social media influencer" got a haircut....

University of Guelph changing logo to include sponsors

This week, the University of Guelph unveiled that they would be re-branding once again by adding the logos of companies that are helping the...

Class ends moments after student finishes smoke break

By: Edward Willems GUELPH– Many students participating in their weekly Social Deviance lecture were surprised and excited when their professor, Dr. Parnaby, announced that he...

UofG Board of Govs continues to promote hating dinosaurs

Earlier today, the University of Guelph's Board of Governors voted to withhold a decision to divest or continue investing in the fossil fuel industry....

What about that fog, eh?

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH - The University of Guelph experienced a massive environmental disaster yesterday and not a single person noticed, except for Gaius Frogerson...
https://fontsinuse.com/uses/17225/toronto-sign

Canada to adopt third national language

By: Calder Schweitzer OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced in a press conference today that Canada is in the process of adopting a new...

“I saw a squirrel!” Excited student recounts entire trip through Arboretum

By: Edward Willems GUELPH – Emerging from her almost twenty minute trek through the perilous trails of the Guelph Arboretum, local student Amy Tachikawa was...

100 Mile Grill (Creelman) promises to serve only locally-sourced roadkill

By: Calder Schweitzer GUELPH – Hospitality Services has announced today that it will be retiring the student favourite 100 Mile Grille in Creelman hall in...

Man gets nothing done despite writing a to-do list

By: Jack Fisher Jimmy Ferguson has been struggling with getting a whole bunch of things done for the last few weeks. He has to finish...

Making Friends 101: Their major and what it means

By: Calder Schweitzer The University of Guelph has a plethora of majors to choose from, offered by a variety of unique colleges and faculties. Asking...

Man refreshing Facebook to see if friends know he’s too busy...

By: Jack Fisher GUELPH – Louis Dreyfuss spent Wednesday night refreshing his Facebook feed making sure his friends knew that he was too busy doing...

Why was it cold in Brass Taps?

By: Jack Fisher Last night around 8:00pm, Brass Taps suddenly went from a warm welcoming atmosphere to a bitterly cold (but somehow still welcoming) atmosphere....

Letter to the Editor: Gryphon Statue Blinked… I SAW IT!

From: Edward Willems GUELPH – Okay, I know how this sounds, but you gotta believe me. I SAW the Gryphon blink. You know, the big...

Napping student wakes up as an activist

By: Jack Fisher UNIVERSITY OF GUELPH - Monday evening, a class walked out following inappropriate comments made by the Anthropology professor Ed Hedican. Jay Newman...

New study reveals every student knows what CSA does

By: Jack Fisher GUELPH - A new study released by the department of political science at the University of Guelph found that, in a surprising...

House Hippo classified as critically endangered by WWF

By: Asa Coleman The North American House Hippo, once brought to public attention by the venerable Hinterland Who’s Who, has recently been classified by the...

Beautiful dog comes to campus, brings some loser on a leash

By: Edward Willems GUELPH – Students at the University of Guelph were thrilled at the sight of a gorgeous golden retriever making its way across...

Student solves climate change single-handedly

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH - Johnata Malkovich, a third year Political Science Major has informed the world via a picture of a note she wrote...

Efforts to refer to Fine Arts building as “Zavie” halted

By: Edward Willems GUELPH – University of Guelph students are notorious for their lack of free time, and any second wasted could cost someone up...

That “fresh new semester” pretty much the same as always

By: Jack Fisher GUELPH - With the start of a new semester, many students hope that they will be able to change their lives around....

I saw the missing dog lost during holidays

By: Nolan Wadsworth BREAKING NEWS!! I’ve seen the dog! You know, THE dog. He's a good boy, maybe even the best boy. I saw him right...

Did the painting class hallucinate all their work last year?

By: Edward Willems GUELPH – Visitors at the Zavitz Gallery on the University of Guelph campus were shocked to discover empty walls at the exhibition...

Guelph Transit Moving to Telepathic Bus System

By Jarin Pintana Recently, Guelph transit removed bus schedules at bus stops; they were replaced with a phone number which can be called for the...

Armoured man crushed to discover The Dragon is a store

By: Edward Willems GUELPH – Local student Jordan Hoult marched through downtown Guelph last Thursday on a quest of fierce bravery and fortitude, only to...

Uncle Rick the one who definitely gave you the flu over...

By: Jack Fisher As the holidays come to an end, it is important to look back at both the positives and negatives of the season....

“I will work a lot harder next semester” says lying student

By: Jack Fisher and Edward Willems GUELPH – Gabriel Potts is a typical university student… and a liar. This week, The Modern Spirit sent out a...

New Year New Me – software for the socially awkward

By: Jack Fisher WATERLOO – RIM (Research In Motion) has just released the first software package applicable to the human body. New Year New Me...

Oakvillian starts petition for all Canadians to begin hibernation

By: Wombat Squirrel OAKVILLE – Jack Fisher, a young Oakvillian man, has started a change.org petition to the world requesting that Canadians can hibernate...

BREAKING: U of G to remove all outlets from classrooms before...

By: Jack Fisher GUELPH - Late Tuesday afternoon, the University of Guelph revealed that workers had been hard at work, working on removing working electronic...

Local man thinks he could have written a better “Star War”

By: Nolan Wadsworth HAMILTON – “And then he jumps in with his lightsaber and cuts its head off! BAM”. Dave, local Star Wars Fanboy recounts...

This Guelph couple chose not to have children, adopted 7 raccoons...

By: Jack Fisher In the fall of 2015 Rick Marlowe and Amanda Dawe were married on the front steps of Creelman Hall on the University...

Archaeologists Uncover Rare Unbent Fork in Creelman Hall

By: Calder Schweitzer GUELPH – Archaeologists working on an excavation project in Creelman Hall last week uncovered something truly remarkable – a fork: completely unbent,...

U of G becomes staggeringly beautiful Winter Wonderland for five minutes

GUELPH – For a solid five minutes, the light fluffy flakes of snow descended on the quiet campus at the University of Guelph. Beauty...

New superhero movie to involve, just, all of them

By Jack Fisher This week, the big superhero franchise announced their new movie, All of The Heroes 1. This movie will definitely be a hit, since...

Student returns from study abroad: annoys friends with how “cultured” they...

By: Amadeus Narbutt GUELPH - UofG student, Vivian Roberts, who travelled outside Canada for the first time mere months ago, has returned home from...

Guelphites never have to hold objects more than “a minute”

Guelph's Newest Courtesy Bylaw "For a Minute" The Mayor of Guelph, Cam Guthrie, has called for an emergency meeting of the "Special Deliberation...

“Improve Life” slogan based on Monty Python song

By: Jack Fisher The University of Guelph has decided to encourage students to “look on the bright side of life”. As of 2017, The University of...

All stairs on campus closed for winter, elevators in high demand

By: Jack Fisher UNIVERSITY OF GUELPH – This winter, all stairs on the U of G campus will be closed for the winter. All of...

University of Guelph Senate to appoint Overheard@Guelph rep

By: Jack Fisher Following yesterday’s senate meeting, the University of Guelph has decided to add yet another student representative to the senate that is already...

Soft drink machines in UC now include tip jars

By: Jack Fisher GUELPH – For a while now, the University Centre (UC) at the University of Guelph (U of G) has had choose-your-own-drink pop...

“I bought these bluntstones and can’t stop calling Gryph “Daddy”

By: Sarah Wetsmirch GUELPH – Do you know that feeling when you are walking around campus and you see someone wearing that hideous purple from...

UPDATE: Rouge winter wizard apprehended

By: Jack Fisher Late this evening in a stand-off outside Menchies, Guelph Police were able to apprehend rouge student Danathan Jezlin as he consumed too...

NOTICE: press release from micro-bio department sheds light on Blizzard-Kid

By: Jack Fisher A press release, from just minutes ago, has brought some concerning details to light with regards to the vat of nuclear chemicals...

BREAKING: Contaminated student escapes Hospital in unprecedented indoor blizzard

Tuesday Morning at 12:00pm, Danathan Jezlin – the student who fell into a vat of nuclear chemicals on Sunday afternoon – walked out of...

Tupperware found to be most shared item ever

By: Jack Fisher For years, humanity has assumed that missing socks are the number one object abandoned to the winds of fate. However, recent information...

Hospitality announces The Dirty Griddle (formerly Daily Grind)

By: Jack Fisher The coffee shop in the University Centre, also the home of the Booster Juice, is getting a new name. Formerly known as...

Accident on campus results in potential tragedy

By: Jack Fisher On Sunday, Nov. 19 2017, an accident at The University of Guelph left a student in critical condition. Danathan Jezlin fell into...

Student ready for exams. Sure. Of course.

By: Jack Fisher GUELPH – With December right around the corner, most people’s minds are starting to turn towards the holidays as they picture dancing...

CFS to pay every U of G student $10

By: Jack Fisher The Canadian Federation of Students (CFS) and the Canadian Federation of Students Ontario (CFS-O) have teamed up to give every University of...

Derek from the Future visits Guelph

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH – In a brief statement, the University of Guelph has informed students that Admissions Services has received an application from a...

CSA announces potential fee increase

By: Jack Fisher Yesterday evening, The CSA hosted a wild townhall in Brass Taps attended by a large portion of the student body, one hidden...

University of Guelph leave the Paris Climate Accord

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH – Taking inspiration from the United States, the University of Guelph has announced in a press release that they will be...

Student realizes that it is too late to be awake

By: Jack Fisher GUELPH - Looking up from Netflix just now, local student Jeremy Wayland realized that it was 2:30am. Last time Jeremy looked it...

Nobody Discussing Great New Club on Campus

By: Calder Schweitzer The Modern Spirit ventured out into the world this week to bring you an update on one of Guelph’s newest student groups:...

What?! Those two from High School are getting married??

By: Nolan Wadsworth Peterborough – That person you vaguely knew back in High School announced her engagement on Facebook with ‘that guy’ (no, not THAT...

Massive heroin operation: entrepreneur plants leftover poppies in field

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH – Remembrance Day has passed; and young people have successfully continued the illusion that they really care about listening to dad...

University students avoid eye contact with people from high school

By: Nolan Wadsworth SARNIA – This past weekend, Sandrah Bullock, no relation to Sandra Bullock - critically acclaimed super-star Sandra Bullock was seen at the...

Letter to the Editor: A Reminder

From: The Watchers We’re Watching. We always have been watching, and we always will be. You know what you’ve done, and we know you must...

First snowfall of the season spells disaster for climate change

By: Calder Schweitzer GUELPH – The first snowfall of the year was seen this week, and while students and staff from all types of programs...

Even bigger Gryphon statue unveiled

GUELPH - Following the creation and unveiling of the Gryphon statue on the corners of Gordon St and Stone Rd, The University of Guelph...

Local team becomes champions in sportsball final

GUELPH – The local sports team celebrated today as they won the sports trophy for their efforts on the trackfield. Many athletes competed for both...

REPORT: Teens still being teens

By: Jack Fisher In a new science report from the University of Guelph studying teen behaviours and motivations, it has become abundantly clear that teens...

National Convention of Game Declares open season on cars

By: Jack Fisher OTTAWA – Early this morning, the North American National Convention of Game (NANCG) declared the start of their open season. Yearly, with the...

Opt-Ed: Gunmen linked with past domestic violence, “totally unrelated to the...

By: Nolan Wadsworth WORLD, - Did you know there are entire websites dedicated to tracking mass shootings in the U.S? https://www.massshootingtracker.org/data/2017. That’s kind of...