By: Jarin Pintana
Late last month, Gregory Boffen thought he had found his perfect match. “It really was too good to be true,” he stated, chagrined.
Like many other millennials, Boffen has been using the Tinder app for a few months with little luck. In early October, he encounterred a situation removed from the ol’ routine. This was the fateful day he swiped right on the woman he believed to be named ‘Penelope’.
After matching, Boffen and ‘Penelope’ messaged daily for approximately four weeks before meeting in possum… I mean person. As Boffen recalls, there was nothing particularly abnormal about her from their text conversations.
“She was funny, smart, down to earth, and I felt we were really compatible because she was always up at night,” he said. Boffen noted that he works late shifts at the local pet store and is often asleep during daylight hours as a result.
When asked if, in hindsight, there were any tell-tale signs that something was amiss he responded, “I mean yeah, she had what may have been considered a weird fixation on garbage… and hanging upside down, but I figured she was just quirky. It was kind of hot. She wasn’t like other girls.”
When they finally met in person, Boffen says he could tell something was off, but it wasn’t until he confronted her about it and she proceeded to play dead that he really clued in. “It sucks,” he added “Finding out the girl of your dreams is three possums in a raincoat. It really sucks”.
Boffun concluded our interview with an excellent question, “How do I even know which possum was the one messaging me? Was it the head? The legs? Did they rotate?”
Boffen has not yet fully given up hope. He feels he may be able to find his own connubial marsupial bliss.
*connubial: (adjective) of or relating to marriage or to the relationship between a wife and husband