Abortion clinic closes due to lack of business

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By: Jack Fisher

In a completely expected turn of events, the Heathens Abortion Clinic closed down on Wednesday after their 80th day with no patrons.

Following their initial grand opening just over three months ago, the clinic started doing quite poorly as people discovered that their business plan was to simply guilt trip the mother’s-to-be-not into leaving without any results. Just over a week later, the last potential customer walked through the doors and encountered a revamped strategy: hostage taking.

On Wednesday, the police finally broke through the barricade outside of the office and were able to free the trapped woman. Two clinic workers died in the ensuing firefight and an officer is in the hospital with minor wounds.

The owner, Mary (name changed for privacy reasons) of the business takes no responsibility for the fatalities and says she plans to move on with her life recognizing Heathens as an “un-sustainable business practice”.

Mary says she plans to open a club downtown soon in a location similar to Heathens by the name of Sodom and Gamorrah. When questioned on the expected practice of this new location Mary withheld comment, but began praying the rosary again for the fifth time in the 30 minute conversation and our reporter left.

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