Super Last Minute Stocking Stuffers for Panicked Parents

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Are you strapped for cash and mere seconds from the inevitable hour of Christmas morning? Have you been up all night, pacing the floor, cursing yourself and your entire lineage for somehow forgetting to fill those stupid socks your kids left on the table? Is your marriage so close to falling apart that you know the imminent disappointment will be the last straw that ruins everything?!

Well, fret no more. Here’s a handy list of things you can hastily stuff in a sock before your kids come charging down the stairs screaming “Santa forgot us, he doesn’t love us and neither do YOU”.

1. MORE SOCKS. Think about it! What’s more worthless than a single sock? Why not give your kids the wonderful surprise of not having to go upstairs to get a pair of socks. Simply stuff a clean sock in their stocking and watch them confusedly put their stocking on their other foot. Christmas hilarity is destined to ensue.

2. Rocks. The snow’s not THAT thick, right? Run outside in your flannel pyjamas and gather a few hefty rocks to make the stockings seem heavier and denser. Pretend they are Pet Rocks and write names like Rocky and Rocket on them in sharpie. Or pretend they are coal and tell your kids they have been super bad this year and that’s why Daddy’s so mad all the time.

3. Your Phone. Hey kid, I got you the newest Smartphone! That’s right, it’s got all kinds of internets and, uh, contacts in it. What’s that? You can’t get past the passcode screen? Hmm, let me check it out. Oh wow! It works for me! I guess Santa wanted me to have this instead, oh well.

4. Uncooked Spaghetti. Hard thin sticks of fun! They could be building materials, or swords! Or drumsticks if you don’t rock too hard. Or Chopsticks? They are only limited by your child’s imagination and patience for your bullshit. Hell, they can always eat them if they want! Extra crunch for Extra Fun!

5. Snow. Snowballs in the house? Christmas magic at its finest! The kids will love dumping their soaking wet stockings onto the floor and building snowmen, making snow angels, and living in

their own indoor wonderland. And the best part: it’s the toy you don’t have to clean up! Just let it melt away! Let the Christmas season wash away with it and continue struggling to continue the pitiful life you have grown accustomed to. Happy Holidays.

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