By: Jon Dougherty
While many Canadians are mourning the death of beloved Trailer Park Supervisor, Jim Lahey of the Trailer Park Boys, portrayed by John Dunsworth, citizens and students of Guelph are in state of utter disbelief and found to be inadvertently poisoning all water sources in the city.
On the morning of Tuesday, October 17 2017, Guelph General Hospital has admitted hundreds of poisoned children and adults suffering from extreme cases of confusion, vomiting, unconsciousness and in rare cases complete and total loss of control of their bowels.
After many varying reports of a smokey or bitter profile to the tap water, a full scale investigation has been launched.
Water Quality Technicians in the City of Guelph have noted a new contaminant polluting the city’s groundwater resources.
Studies conducted at the University of Guelph, have revealed the tainted water is a result of the libation of Tralier Park Boys alcohol products.
The LCBO and The Beer Store have seen a staggering rise of sales of Trailer Park Boy’s Liquormen’s Dirty Ol Cad Whisky and Freedom 35 Lager, just 24 hours following Dunsworth’s sudden passing.
In Guelph alone, shelves are barren of these products with citizens resorting to Kijiji and paying upwards of $500.00 CAD for a single can of the signature craft beer.
Unable to properly cope, distressed Guelph residents have been “pouring one out for the dead”. Due to the nature of Jim Lahey’s alcoholism, fans have come to the conclusion that pouring solely one drink would not quench his thirst.
They have resorted to flooding our streets and soil with every drop from every bottle or can, as he slowly stumbles into the afterlife.