Angry clubs petition to revive Old Jerimiah

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The Old Cannon

By: Nolan Wadsworth

GUELPH – Numerous clubs at the University of Guelph have been reported to be protesting outside of the University Centre this past Sunday, besides disrupting Old Lady Margaret’s afternoon walk with her adorable dog, Fluffy, the mass was seen lighting torches with Central Student Association [CSA] shirts and loading the cannon with gunpowder.

“Hereye, Hereye; let it be known that a select group of CSA clubs are in open rebellion against the vicious tyrants of the Central Student Association. Too long have we enjoyed the comforts of offices while others would struggle to find room for their clubs to meet. This collection of clubs, henceforth known as the Nu-CSA clubs (trademark pending), will be forging their own path from now on with, where we can discriminate against clubs at will, as is our god given right. Having the firepower of Old Jerimiah will ensure we can stay independent”, said Marcus Fitterberg, former president of the bruised apple appreciation club.

The Central Student Association released a statement about the fracture: “We respect the decision made by the separatist Nu-CSA faction to splinter off and load an inert cannon with gunpowder. We are truly happy because the clubs that left were an administrative nightmare if we’re being perfectly frank. Like, go take your pictures somewhere else! Wait this is not on record right?”

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