Nolan Wadsworth - Author Page

Area 51 Raids successful: Dawn of a New Age for humanity?

September 20th, Nevada: Following an infectious online campaign for the god-given mandate to have sex with aliens to be fulfilled, millions of people showed...

Students yearn for time when clowns were the only problem

Dispatch from Guelph: 2034 Seventh Year Student Mark Hoppus, no relation told the Modern Spirit in an exclusive interview that he and his friends were...

Are penguins just people dressed up in tuxedos?

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH BUT ALSO ANTARCTICA: Studies have shown that the very fabric of reality as we understand it might be far from...

You have to avoid eye contact on bus due to awkward...

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH - Tuesday, Winter Semester. The 99N bus. Tim Tom, a 2 year Mathematics of Pigs Major found himself in the seats...

Update from Alt-Guelph – A REALITY UNLIKE OUR OWN

By: Nolan Wadsworth Life has continued as expected in Guelph; buses are late, guide dogs are cute and theatre students still have no prospects for...

WHAT IS SEX?

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH - The question that has been on everyone's mind resurfaces. People around the world have been asking this. Nobody knows. An...

Spotlight: How many Olympic sports can you name?

Interviewer: Nolan Wadsworth   "Hockey, Figure skating, the one with the big puck and you have to throw it. That's a cool one." - Sam          "Smoking a...

Spotlight: How do you feel about Yellow M&Ms?

Interviewer: Nolan Wadsworth "Every time I eat a Yellow M&M I feel a sense of accomplishment, as my lobster claws make it pretty much impossible...

Guelph Transit closing shop

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH – In a dramatic turn of events, Bob Tulap, regional director of Guelph Transit has announced that the controversial public service...

News from alt-reality Guelph: Planar gateway in campus tunnels

By: Wolan Nadsworth GUELPH – The Colonel who leads an army of gophers underneath the Guelph University campus have struck a proverbial gold mine underneath...

Guy gets haircut, no one notices

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH - Reports from the field indicated that Wesley Dickerson, third year commerce student and self-identified "social media influencer" got a haircut....

What about that fog, eh?

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH - The University of Guelph experienced a massive environmental disaster yesterday and not a single person noticed, except for Gaius Frogerson...

Here are the first 10,000 digits of pi. Can you find...

One of our writers, Nolan Wadsworth, is attempting to diffuse a bomb! All he needs to do is find the one wrong number in this...

Student solves climate change single-handedly

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH - Johnata Malkovich, a third year Political Science Major has informed the world via a picture of a note she wrote...

I saw the missing dog lost during holidays

By: Nolan Wadsworth BREAKING NEWS!! I’ve seen the dog! You know, THE dog. He's a good boy, maybe even the best boy. I saw him right...

Local man thinks he could have written a better “Star War”

By: Nolan Wadsworth HAMILTON – “And then he jumps in with his lightsaber and cuts its head off! BAM”. Dave, local Star Wars Fanboy recounts...

“I bought these bluntstones and can’t stop calling Gryph “Daddy”

By: Sarah Wetsmirch GUELPH – Do you know that feeling when you are walking around campus and you see someone wearing that hideous purple from...

Derek from the Future visits Guelph

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH – In a brief statement, the University of Guelph has informed students that Admissions Services has received an application from a...

University of Guelph leave the Paris Climate Accord

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH – Taking inspiration from the United States, the University of Guelph has announced in a press release that they will be...

What?! Those two from High School are getting married??

By: Nolan Wadsworth Peterborough – That person you vaguely knew back in High School announced her engagement on Facebook with ‘that guy’ (no, not THAT...

Massive heroin operation: entrepreneur plants leftover poppies in field

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH – Remembrance Day has passed; and young people have successfully continued the illusion that they really care about listening to dad...

University students avoid eye contact with people from high school

By: Nolan Wadsworth SARNIA – This past weekend, Sandrah Bullock, no relation to Sandra Bullock - critically acclaimed super-star Sandra Bullock was seen at the...

Letter to the Editor: A Reminder

From: The Watchers We’re Watching. We always have been watching, and we always will be. You know what you’ve done, and we know you must...

Opt-Ed: Gunmen linked with past domestic violence, “totally unrelated to the...

By: Nolan Wadsworth WORLD, - Did you know there are entire websites dedicated to tracking mass shootings in the U.S? https://www.massshootingtracker.org/data/2017. That’s kind of...

Violence erupts near weapon on campus

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH – Emergency Super Secret Special Forces were called to Branion Plaza last night in an incident that could only be described...

I’m tired,” says local student

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH – That point of the semester has arrived, according to everyone. Timothy Reed has decided to stay in bed this morning...

Student dates pumpkin, ‘tis the season

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH – Local lonely student Chris Mansfield has recently decided that the single life just wasn’t for him anymore. “I’ve tried Tinder,...

Horror Movie Villains Anonymous group forms in Guelph

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH – As part of the Mental Health framework the university has implemented, there is a new support group geared specifically at...

Science confirms our biggest fear

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH - A recent study out of the University of Guelph's Department of Stuff Studies found evidence that suggests everyone dies at...

Local Guelph student takes picture of “Old Jerimiah” as penis

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH – 4:21 PM, Tuesday October 24th. Police set up a perimeter around the cannon after an incident unfolded on central campus. Witnesses...

Acquaintances get coffee, despite both of them saying “let’s get coffee...

By: Nolan Wadsworth In a surprising turn of events, today, Alex and Sam found themselves in the Lennox-Addington Starbucks line at the same time and...

You won’t believe what they’re doing with your scantron sheet!

By: Nolan Wadsworth They’re marking it. Obviously. What did you think this article would be about? Do you think they’d be doing anything other than marking you? You...

University bookstore to change prices to “A Lot”

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH – Is anyone looking for an author? Will write 4 cash. The University Bookstore recently unveiled their new business plan to...

Subjects of discussion spark interest on campus

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH – Students are feeling certain ways about things. We at the Modern Spirit pestered an incredibly small sample size of students...

Textbooks exposed as scam

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH & EVERYWHERE – In an unsurprising turn of events, members of a notorious racketeering gang have been arrested. The “Book Boyz”,...

“Fuck It. I’m a Scientologist now”, says local student

By: Nolan Wadsworth Guelph – Local artist Carly Beaumont, after contemplating her career as a graphic-tee artist over a coffee recently told the Modern Spirit...

Trivia guy to perform at White House, wants Nuclear Codes.

By: Nolan Wadsworth CANADA – In a new effort to establish dominance on the global maple syrup market, CSAHS-SA, Canada’s intelligence community has developed a...

Guelph student given key to city

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH - A local hero has emerged in the city of Guelph. His name is Evan Clapp. Evan “Thunder” Clapp, a...

Revolution is afoot as students seek change

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH – A local student group has recently received a lot of attention on campus for their advertising campaign. The Revolutionary Student...

New App will revolutionize how we pray for tragedies

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH – Tamara Deborah Staci (with a heart on top) Peterson, a local member of the PTA with one of those “can...

Christopher Nolan to film new movie in Guelph

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH - The critically acclaimed director Christopher Nolan visited all corners of Guelph this past weekend as part of the location scouting...

Hipster student unsure about buying inflated organic produce or “fake food”

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH - Cheryl Cuttingham, a second year double major in history and philosophy recently reported on Facebook that they have done their...

President of student organization caught liking wholesome tweet, scandal

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH - In the wake of recent political scandal in the United States, where U.S presidential hopeful and notorious rat cage fighter,...

Angry clubs petition to revive Old Jerimiah

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH – Numerous clubs at the University of Guelph have been reported to be protesting outside of the University Centre this past...

University unveils new milking operation for different brand of cows

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH – University Administration in collaboration with the Ontario Agricultural College have unveiled their new plan to reinvigorate campus. On Thursday, September...

Campus overcrowded with writers; study space at risk

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH – Francesca Bottom, the barista who always smiles at me and remembers my name, reports that study space has been severely...

Local Guelph student gets really into country music

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH – Keith Richards, no relation to Keith Richards the legendary guitar player, was reported wearing plaid shirts multiple days in a...

News site launched

GUELPH - This week The University of Guelph will be changed forever. A new, impactful, initiative has landed on campus, but also mostly online. From today...

Scuffle on Overheard at Guelph

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH & EVERYWHERE – A copy and paste white guy from the Hamptons or wherever took to Overheard at Guelph the other...

Aggies clash with Engineers over graduating class animal

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH – A wild herd of llamas wearing hats have been seen on campus carrying around pitchforks and other bladed weapons in...

Guelph mating season commences

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH - As the school year kicks off, thousands of students have inexplicably found themselves walking out of class at exactly 12:04...

New Courselink overhaul

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH - Computing Services at Guelph have recently rolled out the new design for Courselink featuring a slick, modern aesthetic as part...

7 Things to do in Guelph

By: Nolan Wadsworth GUELPH - In an effort to appeal to a large group of people, we at Modern Spirit decided to take a page...