By: Nolan Wadsworth

In a surprising turn of events, today, Alex and Sam found themselves in the Lennox-Addington Starbucks line at the same time and even though they wanted some alone time, they both reluctantly sat down for coffee together. Readers, I need to get this off my chest. This has never happened in the history of humanity. The “sometime” in “let’s get coffee sometime” is an easy way to dodge actually having to make plans and spend time with the person you’re talking to. I’m quite shocked and quite frankly do not know how to report on this ground-breaking news.

In an interview (eavesdropping on the conversation Alex was having with their actual friends about an hour after the ‘incident’) Alex mentioned that it always seemed like Sam was more interested in “hanging out”, but Alex just was always “so busy” but it was “nice” to hang out a bit. The thought detecting capabilities that were granted to us by the hooded figures indicated that Alex didn’t really how to say “Hey, Sam. I like you, but not as much as I did in high-school and I think now that we’re in University and are exposed to a bunch of new things all the time, I want to prioritize making new lasting friendships. Besides, I live in Johnston and you live in South. Fuck walking all the way there to see you.”

The hooded figures spoke to me today. After I peed myself from the sheer existential dread that accompanied their voice that seemed to speak in every language known in the universe at the same time, I understood it all. The story of Alex and Sam is not just a story of two now distant high school friends, it is the story of the eventual subjugation of the human race by the Gzorpiors, an imperialist space slug power.


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