By: Nolan Wadsworth
GUELPH – 4:21 PM, Tuesday October 24th.
Police set up a perimeter around the cannon after an incident unfolded on central campus. Witnesses describe the scene as “horrific” and “almost as shocking as that one time I was literally struck by lightning”. Campus police have not released any official statement on the exact nature of the happenings, so I, a professional reporter used my charms to paint a picture of the scene through eyewitness reports.
It was a day like any other, tuition fees were soul crushing, I hadn’t even bothered working on that 12-page paper that’s due next week and I’m pretty sure I’m malnourished from eating just plain pasta because I haven’t gone grocery shopping in a while. Typical Tuesday. Johnathan Doe and his friend Kevin, unknown age or program approached the crime scene; passerby’s clueless to what was about to happen. Kevin positioned himself on the grass area, camera phone at the ready. That’s when it happened. Johnathan Doe stood behind the cannon in a way that made it look like Old Jerimiah was an extension of his penis.
Multiple photos were then uploaded to the popular social media platform Gryphlife of Doe in different poses of our beloved cannon as his pseudo-penis. What message is he trying to convey with this art piece? Is his penis actually as big as the cannon? Does he wish it were? Jonathan Doe: Reveal and explain yourself. What are you trying to tell us? We need to know.