By: Nolan Wadsworth
GUELPH – Johnata Malkovich, a third year Political Science Major has informed the world via a picture of a note she wrote on her iPhone on Instagram that she will change the world.
The posts reads:
“I know I’ve been silent on this issue for far too long. It’s time to #riseup in the fight against #climatechange. Going to make some changes in my life that will fix all of this.”
The post garnered a stunning 14 likes, a mild step down from the 45 likes her picture of the disappointing Wendy’s 1/4 lbs burger and fries, titled “Food Porn” got.
Wendy’s responded that they do not think their food warrants any sort of credit whatsoever.
Malkovich – no relation to Ivan Antolovich Malkovich the famous Ukrainian poet – described in great detail how she alone will solve climate change. First she will do away with the comfort of warm showers. Then she says she has plans to “buy a bunch of mason jars” and put mounds of mushy food inside, calling it “waste free meal prep”. She is determined to also be vegan whenever it is convenient for her and ride a bike, like, once a month.
The UN department of climate change has given up and just started burning rubber tires for fun. They admit Malkovich’s actions will probably fix climate change and leave them out of a job.