7 Things to do in Guelph

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By: Nolan Wadsworth

GUELPH – In an effort to appeal to a large group of people, we at Modern Spirit decided to take a page straight out of the Buzzfeed’s Official Guide to Worshipping Cthulhu, the World Eater and publish a list on the internet. The internet loves lists right? Sources report they are more popular than saying mean things about women on the internet.

  1. Take a picture with Old Jeremiah – we are not talking about the famous cannon that is now loaded with gunpowder and is the sole weapon of the Nu-CSA, but rather the half senile human half squirrel hybrid. We won’t tell you which half is where.

  2. Befriend a Professor – These folks are sometimes centuries old and have seen kingdoms rise and fall. Ancient scriptures made available to us by the Colonel who commands the army of gophers in the vast underground city beneath our campus suggest that professor John Walsh was singlehandedly responsible for the rise and fall of Caligula and the subsequent filming of the movie of the same name.

  3. Walk the Arboretum – Here in this beautiful plot of nature, walk around take instagram selfies and forget that the oceans are rapidly acidifying.

  4. Hot Dogs at Bob’s – Does anyone really know what’s in a hot dog? Does it matter when Bob is just one of the coolest people you will ever meet?

  5. Drink an Ice Cold Refreshing Pepsi – Feeling hot? Feeling stressed? Do you feel anything? If you said yes or no or gave a sluggish grunt we suggest you drink an ice cold bottle of Pepsi. Remember Gryphons, it’s the law.

  6. Buy Textbooks – Kick off the semester right by venturing down into the basement of the bookstore and wade your way through a sweaty crowd only to find they that the sought after textbook is guarded by a herd of ravenous cows preying on the weak. For the lucky ones that get it, be ready to offer a sacrifice of both body and soul to afford something that you might touch once or twice.

  7. Subscribe to the Modern Spirit – Guelph’s most impactful news source. Here at the Modern Spirit we literally take nourishment from attention and subscribers so please whisper the phrase: “I’m so very very lonely” in Finnish to randomly receive our latest editions every time a Guelph student tries to use their meal card at the UC before 2 pm.

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