By: Nolan Wadsworth
GUELPH – Francesca Bottom, the barista who always smiles at me and remembers my name, reports that study space has been severely limited due to the influx of “writer-types” at the University as well as the renovations of the second floor of the library.
Engineer students remain unaffected, ever since they barricaded the doors of Thornborough and declared they will only communicate in mathematical equations from now on. x2+8y=16 reports that “x9018+21=I”; to be upfront about our reporting I stopped writing down the equation once my brain started hurting, which was roughly 20 seconds into the interview.
The man who goes only by the Colonel, who lives in the bushes with a small family of gophers next to Creelman Hall, stated that he was in charge of coordinating study space and would task the gophers to expand the tunnels underneath War Memorial Hall to accommodate for the students.
Our staff can indeed confirm that Starbucks is overcrowded with “writer-types”, because we have no office and are really trying to write something avant-garde in our free time. “It’s a blend between Twain and Poe, pretty revolutionary stuff”, said Jim, the writer, when asked about the weather.