By: Nolan Wadsworth

GUELPH – Remembrance Day has passed; and young people have successfully continued the illusion that they really care about listening to dad talk about his days in Bosnia.

It is now Tuesday, and the wounds we have suffered from the stabby poppies are due to heal. Local business student, Ralph Miller has taken the initiative and decided to make the best of an awful situation. Miller has been seen around campus, raiding the poppy boxes without leaving a donation (start-ups are strapped for cash, he says. We think he is just kind of a dick, but that’s besides the point).

He took us on a tour of his plot of land, insensitively named “Flander’s Field”

Miller has collected about 20 pounds of poppies and aims to plant them in a new plot of land he bought. He asked if we knew that poppy fields could be produced into heroin. What he didn’t seem to know was that the poppies he stole were not actual poppies and that even if they were you can’t plant them so close to winter. He persisted, “These poppies are going to make me a killing. Whatever I can’t refine into some sweet, sweet heroin to fuel Guelph’s drug problem, I will sell back to the soldiers. I saw those boxes everywhere. People are paying dollars for like a 30-cent poppy. That’s a profit margin that I can take advantage of.”

He took us on a tour of his plot of land, insensitively named “The Best Flander’s Field”. The ingenuity of something so pointless was actually kind of inspiring.

Miller told us that he always has been an entrepreneur, creating awesome start-ups like “Recycled soles to feed souls”, which takes the rubber off of old shoes and force feeds homeless people and “Pubic Hair”, the purpose of which we aren’t entirely sure.


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