“Big Dude McMoneybags” Buys TWO trees at ONCE?!


GUELPH. Earlier this week, local shoppers at Canadian Tire, Guelph, were blessed with the appearance of some sort of multimillionaire. The Discount Tree-Land situated in the corner of the parking lot was shook to its very core when this pompous bourgeois asshole waltzed up to the vendor and declared for all to hear that he wanted not one, but two Christmas trees. Honestly, where does this guy get off?

The nerve of this guy! Caring not for the Christmas wishes of the other patrons of Tree-Land, Captain Two-Trees grabbed the biggest and most evergreen pine trees to his immediate right, slapped a fifty dollar bill into the vendor’s gloved hand, and proceeded to tie both trees to his upper-crust white-collared Dodge Grand Caravan. He drove away, presumably to place both trees in his grand ballroom or massive entryway, or anywhere expansive enough to validate the necessity of two goddamn trees!

Truly this extravagant flaunting of wealth struck a sour chord in all gathered, reasserting a profound commercialization of the holiday season and leaving all of us sick and physically furious. Although when questioned, the other patrons of Tree-Land seemed to not be nearly as furious as this writer was, but they must merely be pretending to keep some semblance of Christmas in their hearts safe from the gluttony and vice of His Highness, Toujours Vert the Second. And bless them for their strength through such troubling times.


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