Let’s face it, that thing is creepy. And not like an “Annabelle: Creation” doll’s going to haunt you, or even a “Child’s Play” Chucky running at you with a knife kind of creepy. This is old school creepy. The chills you can hear. The pure confusion and distress you cannot ever explain. The darkest darkness lurking in those unfathomably black plastic eyes. It’s an Elf. It’s on the Shelf. And it’s terrifying.
So, while your kid is asleep, why not face your fears and set up some classic horror scenes with it? You loved the movie, and nothing says “Christmas” like pure Kubrick-ian cinematography. Put away your Spartacus stockings, and leave your Eyes Wide Shut Nativity scene for another day! Tonight, let’s put together six classic The Shining scenes with your Elf on the Shelf!
1. Staircase fight. If you can find another small elf-like doll, and maybe a doll-sized baseball bat, you can have a little Shelley Duvall fending off your dead-eyed Jack elf. Toss your elf down the stairs afterwards for extra authenticity.
2. Freezer Jack. Whack your elf on the head and drag it into the fridge before it wakes up! Surrounded by the preserved foods of the “hotel”, the Elf will talk to itself until it’s suddenly freed by the spirit of the hotel itself. Or maybe you’ll let it out when you want a snack, who knows. The possibilities are what makes it such a memorable film
3. Frozen Jack. Spoiler alert, maybe? It came out in 1980, so it’s probably fine. Bury your little Jack in the snow up to its chest, and let some snow gather on its stiff, dead cheeks.
4. “Heeeere’s Johnny!” Perhaps the most recognizable shot from the movie, even your kids will understand what you’re getting across when they see its evil face stuck in the hole in their bedroom door. No hole, you say? Well then, you get to re-enact a little Jack Nicholson yourself tonight! Go get the axe from the shed, you lucky dog!
5. The “Moon Landing”. Pretty sure this counts. After all, Kubrick intended the entirety of The Shining to illustrate his filming of the original 1969 moon landing. You can see it in the way the hotel carpet looks upside down when you invert the movie’s colours and play it backwards. Anyways, your driveway kind of looks like a rocky moon texture, so get that elf out there! One small step for elves and yadda yadda yadda.
6. July 4th Ball, 1921. To really pull a fast one on your family, print out a photo of the last shot of the movie, the framed photo from the “July 4th Ball, 1921” but in the centre of the image is the ELF himself. Quickly put it in a frame and pretend it has always been there. When your kids ask “what the hell is this?” simply say “it explains everything” and walk out of the house. Your job is complete.