All stairs on campus closed for winter, elevators in high demand

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By: Jack Fisher

UNIVERSITY OF GUELPH – This winter, all stairs on the U of G campus will be closed for the winter. All of them. Following new research outlining how stairs are one of the most common ways that people can get injured (or even die), the university has decided to close all stairs while the weather is cold and wet.

Yes, even the ones inside

“Did you know that stairs kill more people than sharks do?!” said Aidan Paskinov, President of the College of Arts Student Union, “that’s bonkers!”

Injury risks could be anywhere from stubbed toes to a broken spine. Traditionally, the university will close some stairs on the main outdoor walkways, but keep most other stairs open. This year, they have gone above and beyond.

“ideally, this winter, no one will use any staircases” said the university’s health and safety marshal, “we’re working right now to cordon off all staircases, yes, even the ones inside.” Adding, “we didn’t actually realize just how many stairs this campus has.”

There have already been reports of huge lines in front of the elevators in both Mackinnon and the University Centre. The elevator lines in the library remain normal.

Meanwhile, the Fitness Center has removed all work out machines that involve stairs, making leg-day just that much easier to skip.

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