The remains of a wild party in a student residence compound off-campus

By: Jack Fisher

GUELPH – The neighbourhood that was in the eye of the Homecoming bonanza in September has submitted a formal application for the development of a private party pocket dimension for Homecoming activities.

The Elderly Residents Committee (ERC) believes that students shouldn’t be allowed to party within the Guelph community, or even on the surface of the planet.

“We want to contain the ferocious activities of students as much as we can.” says ERC’s Speaker of the Houses, Lord Eugene Fuhdidoody. “The University should use its extensive resources to develop a pocket dimension wherein they can store their students until Homecoming weekend is over.”

“We want to try and contain it,” Fuhdidoody said. “More stringent efforts need to take place. We, as a community, are worried that eventually Guelph will be like London”

The concern about turning into another London is a real fear. A few weeks ago students at Western University held a “Fake Homecoming” party and used the acronym “FOCO” which doesn’t even make any sense.

The ERC has a hand-delivered mail service newsletter that goes out to 18 people annually.

University, City, and law enforcement officials have all expressed concern about the parties, noise, lewd behavior, garbage, and  property damage on Sept. 23. Officials are even considering working on some measure that may prevent the future.

The U of G has taken steps to mold the physics of the university campus in such a way that will remove the need for even the campus to exist in the physical world. So far nothing has been seen to work.

In a public statement after Homecoming a University of Guelph spokesperson said “we are currently in a space race with Western and Queens to develop a functional pocket dimension where we can hide away the students that attend our institution when they act like late teens and early 20-somethings”

Until the laws of physics can be broken, the University is considering simply putting more Lithium in the water and hoping that everyone can just “chill out for a bit while they figure it out, man.”


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