By: Calder Schweitzer
GUELPH – The first snowfall of the year was seen this week, and while students and staff from all types of programs frolicked and enjoyed the weather, faculty members working in the Department of Environmental Science regarded the event with terror.
“If its snowing, that means we were wrong about climate change. How can it be snowing if the world is heating up? How will we keep our jobs now that the secret is out that we were wrong about climate change?” These ramblings coming from Dr. Mohammed Ron, a professor who specializes in teaching students about the now-exposed climate change hoax.
As of now, the University has not released an official statement responding to the snow, which could mean one of two things. Either they are waiting for a time when less people are rejoicing over the coming of the best season of the year, or climate change is a complex issue that has been observed over long periods of time and is agreed upon by 97% of the scientific community, which cannot be disproven by a single event.
Obviously the former is the more likely, as it would just be plain cruel to ruin everyone’s fun by announcing the abolition of the Department of Environmental Science before the students finish building their snowmen. We’re positive the University is just waiting until Monday morning to announce the news, when visions of sugar plums are far from the students’ heads and they are back to stressing about finals.
On a personal note, to our readers out there enrolled in Enviro-Sci, it’s not your fault that your major is no longer needed. Mankind simply no longer needs to study how the Earth works because climate change is conclusively a hoax. Look at the bright side, now we can go back to living simple lives, without having to worry about the inevitable heat-death of the human race as we shovel coal into the steam engine that is leading us straight off a metaphorical cliff. Glad that one’s off our collective chest.