By: Calder Schweitzer

GUELPH – Things got a little shaky last week as the city of Guelph experienced a magnitude 5.0 earthquake. The quake, which took place at exactly 5:17PM on Thursday afternoon, has been sourced to Rosanski 104, where the students of a CHEM*1040 lecture were allegedly preparing to leave class.

According to sources, the professor of the lecture stated that “this will be the last slide of the day”. This was immediately followed by the telltale sound of a single backpack being zipped up. Thankfully, Guelph’s sophisticated early-detection seismometers detected this and determined it to be the sign of a quake, giving citizens enough time to duck-and-cover before the remainder of the students packed up their laptops and notebooks a solid 3 minutes before the lecture finished, prompting shaking that threw many jugglers off balance in the Rosanski concourse.

We spoke with Dr. Iain Hannigan, who was the professor giving the lecture at the time. Through wide, unblinking eyes he recalled the event, insisting it wasn’t his fault and that “the slide actually had lot of pertinent information that fell on deaf ears as those animals began post-class conversations long before class ended”. Those that were nearest to the classroom reported a sound “louder than they had ever heard before, comparable only to a jet plane taking off, a Metallica concert, or The Great Orbax breathing into the microphone at the front of a lecture hall”.

Thankfully there was no damage recorded, and the only resulting injury was to Dr. Hannigan’s pride.


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