BREAKING: U of G to remove all outlets from classrooms before classes start in 2018


By: Jack Fisher

GUELPH – Late Tuesday afternoon, the University of Guelph revealed that workers had been hard at work, working on removing working electronic outlets from all classrooms on campus.

The work is targeting those students who do not actually take notes in class in the hope that they will “start bringin’ th’ ol’ fashion pen and paper” to class.

Professors have notice that many students have stopped paying attention during lectures over the past few years and their complaints have not fallen on deaf ears.

In an unusually bold action to legitimately further the academic pursuits of students and not simply a cool cash-grab, the university has taken significant steps in the direction of tech-less classrooms.

“They’re just on Facebook anyway” said one professor. “Once I was teaching a class and a couple goofs were giggling at the back. I asked them if they had something to share with the class and they ended up sharing the Total Frat Move Facebook group. To the classes courselink discussion page no less! We were supposed to be talking about child soldiers in Uzbekistan! It was very rude.”

The official line from the President’s office is that the U of G believe that paper notes are a more effective way to study. “research has shown that the action of writing notes on paper increases the likelihood that a student will remember the information” reads the press release from Tuesday.

“like, yeah, I get it or whatever” said Michael Ferguson, 2nd year Psychology major, “I finished the whole first season of Stranger Things in psyc 1000 and I definitely missed, like, a lot of info.”

Amanda Rivers, a 4th year Classics student added “I know I sometimes goof around online, but my computer will still probably last through class. It’s just so much easier than writing things down on paper. That’s so grade school.”

Rumour has it that the University has plans to install large battery draining magnets at the front of each classroom next quarter, but at this point we cannon confirm those suspicions.


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