By: Calder Schweitzer

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced in a press conference today that Canada is in the process of adopting a new official language: Torontonian.

Torontonian, a dialect of English, is spoken mainly by people who live in or near downtown Toronto. It stretches through much of the Greater Toronto Area, however it varies in intensity with proximity to the Yonge and Dundas intersection.

PM Trudeau has announced that Canadians will soon be able to request service in Torontonian, and all government employees will be required to become fluent within one year of the change becoming official. Certain Universities will also be embracing the new language, offering courses as soon as 2019. The University of Guelph has announced plans to introduce a course in Torontonian, entitled “TRNO*1000 – Bare Phrases and Lowkey Tips to Help the Mans Reach in The 6ix”.

The University is calling for any first-language Torontonian speakers to come forward and assist them in the design of this course, so that the terms used can be properly applied. It has also been announced that the class will function solely with an online textbook, in the form of the “Urban Dictionary”, which students may use to aide in translation, but not to translate English papers into Torontonian for an easy grade.

“No wastemans gonna cheat on my assignments, I’ll be cheezed”, expressed Doctor Aubrey D. Graham, the professor for the course. He also insisted that we mention that the class will be, in his own words, “totally lit”.

The Modern Spirit does not wish to comment on the rumours that a Torontonian verse will be added to O Canada, as these are just rumours and, honestly, people have a hard enough time learning the French part as it is.


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