World braces for river of blood or whatever

Peel Public Works said 400 litres of red ink spilled into the Etobicoke Creek on Tuesday, March 24. - Ken Woroner/Twitter

CANADA – It’s been quite a year so far.

As the COVID-19 pandemic keeps up to a third of the world homebound, most are resigned for whatever comes next.

“I figure we’ll see a river made of blood, or frogs falling from the sky,” said Mark Faiger, a tired-for-no-reason self-isolated citizen. “I mean, everything that’s going on seems biblical or whatever. May as well be blood.”

Global citizens are, it seems, unlikely to be surprised by anything in the near future.

“It’s not just about surprise though, is it?” said Jeneka El-Sayed. “We’ve seen locusts, a pandemic, fires, famine, it’s all so close to those old stories, that, like, maybe there’s something to them.”

What El-Sayed is referencing is the old testament of The Bible, when God enacted ten plagues upon the Egyptians for not releasing the enslaved Jewish population.

While it may seem a bit absurd to be comparing what’s going on today to the events in a not-strictly-historical text, many don’t mind.

“Yeah, sure. That seems likely,” said Sean Thompson when asked how he would feel if the world was engulfed in darkness for three days. “That’s pretty much what happens when it rains. I mean, it’s Spring.”

When asked if he thought a river of blood was likely, Thompson said, “didn’t that happen with red ink in Etobicoke last week?” and “what’s up with the news these days? Why are you fearmongering like this? Are you trying to tell me some goat’s blood on my front door will keep away the coronavirus? Jeez.”

When The Modern Spirit reached out to a religious professional for comment, we were just sent the following list of plagues and corresponding events in 2020. It could mean nothing, and probably does, but we’ve provided that correspondence here:

Looks like we have a couple of plagues left. Maybe we should figure out what’s going on with the big guy before this gets worse?


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