By: Nolan Wadsworth

HAMILTON – “And then he jumps in with his lightsaber and cuts its head off! BAM”. Dave, local Star Wars Fanboy recounts just where director Rian Johnson went wrong with the Star Wars franchise. “That a**hole did a major disservice to all the loyal fans of Star Wars that have been with it since the beginning”, he exclaims loudly, with no prompting whatsoever.

On the night he saw the newest release from the Star Wars franchise, The Last Jedi, The entire theater bore witness to Dave’s meltdown. Heavily involving screaming and imitated lightsaber noises, Dave yelled “That’s not the Luke I know. Luke would’ve remained optimistic his entire life, not once doing anything he might regret during his time as a Jedi Master. He’s perfect in every way and nothing can change that”. When asked about the new protagonist Rey, he scoffed and went on about the Mary Sue trope.

Movies about spaceships, almost incest and lightsabers are not supposed to be silly”

That scene where a newly introduced starry eyed character, with one of the most iconic lines in the entire franchise “This is how we win, not by fighting what we hate, but saving what we love” is given depth and explores their motivations for fighting against the status quo of oppression is silly and served no plot purpose in a franchise entirely based around rebelling against the status quo. “It’d be best if the struggles of common folk in a galactic strife centred around a noble bloodline and space fascism, is completely ignored and we could just watch 2 hours of lightsaber battles! Wow!”

Dave, in line to buy the Harry Potter DVDs at the local Blockbuster explained to Margaret, the sweet old lady who always wishes you a Merry Easter, regardless of the time of year that all the ideas him and his friends came up with for Rey’s parentage would have been so much cooler if they went that route instead. “I’m just really comfortable with the overused framework of storytelling where the hero is revealed to be the chosen one, because I can relate. Somewhere deep down, destiny has picked me to save the world. Only special elite people can be heroes. That’s why the Jedi used midichlorians in the prequels; it’s in your blood. That could not possibly be an intentional pseudo-scientific selection process of an out of touch priest class that excluded people to solidify their position in the galaxy. The Jedi were infallible warriors of good who had to gamble on a child slave to indoctrinate them into their religion, instead of abolishing slavery.

Dave visited the cemetery and spoke to Jim Burnett, the stable boy who fell to the Spanish Flu 100 years ago. “The silliness of the movie completely ruined the immersion. Movies about spaceships, almost incest and lightsabers are not supposed to be silly”, he said with a stern face.


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