From: Avid Movie-goer

Just imagine, a person who, maybe because of allergies or some bizarre uninformed personal bias, goes to the movie theater and has never experienced the absolute roller-coaster of emotion that is movie-theater popcorn.

You know, you start off enjoying the buttery top side and then you get past that layer, but you’ve developed the taste for popcorn and don’t want to stop. You’re loving life.

Then, about half-way through, you realize that your hands are unusable because they’re so slippery, but you have a piece of kernel stuck in your teeth, and, as you try to get it out, you notice the child three rows in front of you is turned around watching the spectacle that you are as you dig your finger around your back molars trying to unhitch the corn from your teeth.

SO you stop for a while and hold the bag with you. Half-way through the movie, when your attention is peaked, all of the childhood shows you’ve ever seen come back to you in a wave of reflex and you start munching on the popcorn by quickly shoveling one piece at a time into your distracted noggin, but now it’s cold.

The popcorn is nearly stale because it’s from a movie-theater and it’s gross. By the time the movie ends you still have the dregs of that bag of popped corn left and, on top of everything else, you hate yourself for eating it. Your breath tastes like stale-cardboard, and there’s still that kernel in your tooth!  The crazy part is you’ll probably do it all again next time because, dammit, you can!

So, I feel bad for the people I will eventually encounter who are unable to eat popcorn because this situation will be completely foreign to them. This beauty will escape them, the perfect imperfection of movie-theater popcorn is a thing that someone, somewhere, will never experience.

Brought to you by Kernals Poopcorn


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