By: Nolan Wadsworth

GUELPH – As part of the Mental Health framework the university has implemented, there is a new support group geared specifically at an underrepresented population: Horror Movie Villains. Student Health Services will now be training staff on the specific needs on horror movie villains. Topics such as an insatiable hunger for human flesh, hiding the pain behind a mask, and blade safety will be addressed in workshops to prepare staff for the first group counselling session.

To respect the anonymity of the attendees some details have been changed to protect their privacy

Bason, a tall imposing figure, face hidden behind a mask shared that he was aiming to attend the support group to work through some of his deep-rooted issues that concern his mother. “I just feel manipulated, yknow? Mother tells me to violently murder campers and I do it. What about my needs mother? Maybe I want to be a theatre student; she never cares to ask. It’s always kill, kill, kill. I want to act, sing and dance. I hope this group can help me make some positive changes in my life and maybe make some friends. I hear Borman Nates and I would really hit it off”

TI, an ominous colourful jokester expressed their interest in attending the group counselling session after eating the arm of one of our reporters. They told me that I’ll float too, but the meaning of the phrase is lost on me. TI aims to address some issues regarding personal space and off-putting humor. They say that people have said that they feel uncomfortable around TI, especially when TI invades their personal space and eats their children.

One of the sharks from Jaws, who goes by the name “Bruce,” stated that they were trying to go vegan and the image of being a being a scary shark has really impacted their dating life.

Other horror movie villains were seen entering the building, but declined an interview. They did graciously accept access to the vast number of weapons and tools we provided them to make them feel welcome on campus. In other news a crazed Sean Spicer, former press secretary of the White House has been seen on campus wielding a spiked flail. In other, other news 87 students have gone missing.


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