Finally! Good riddance trees!


By: Jack Fisher

On April 25th, Early and late-rising Ontarion’s woke up to the news that the Province of Ontario was cutting the 50 Million Trees program that was supposed to plant 50 Million Trees over 5 years.

But here’s the thing,


Trees are dumb anyway. Have you seen them? They block the sun, fall on cars in storms, and are the single biggest hassle in Autumn. Who cares about the colours when the dead tree-follicles are falling all over the place.

If someone with dandruff came over to you and just showered you with their dead skin for four months, you’d probably cancel them too.

Other announcements about trees have been good for tree-haters. The Greenbelt around the Niagara Escarpment is being looked at for development. This will turn all those annoying, useless trees into perfectly useful houses. Think about the jobs! We’ll need more electricians, builders, plumbers. Everyone!

Trees have had their day in the sun for long enough. Planting even more of them just prohibits progress. and, again – honestly, fuck trees.


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